The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
