Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
