My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
