Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
