Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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