i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
