How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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