She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
