He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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