im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
