I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
