I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
