I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
