I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
