But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
