My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
