i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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