Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
