I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
