We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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