Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
