I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
