You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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