i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
