I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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