Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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