At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
