Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
