I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
