chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
