believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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