I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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