There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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