Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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