i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
