Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
