Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I need mimosas to revive my soul
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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