i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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