This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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