I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
