She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
