i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
