are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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