The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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