Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
