The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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