idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
