I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
