the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
