Don't you send me to vm
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
